The Biggest Potato of Them All

If you, like I do, spend time searching the Internet for news stories about potatoes kind of looking like other things to use for your next blog post, you’ll know that news stories about potatoes kind of looking like other things are more common than news stories about other things kind of looking like Jesus. Here are a few of the highlights from some time well wasted:

First up is the story of a “hilarious shaped potato,” which for all intents and purposes is not actually hilarity-shaped at all, as Dion Dassanayake in his misleading opening sentence would have you believe. Instead, the article reports on the snickering staff at Farndon Fields Farm Shop, who were left newsworthy after they found a “potato shaped like a pair of breasts.”

Dassanayake, a journalist for the Express, is not above descriptives, alternatively calling the potato a: “breast vegetable,” “buxom vegetable,” a “comedy spud,” a “comical potato in a dark drawer” and, finally, a “breast shaped vegetable.”

Next is an unholy trifecta of pressing personal stories courtesy of the Daily Mail, your best bet for potato news. This article is unusually specific, dealing with cases where a potato has taken the form of a duck.

There’s Gail Roberts, her husband Andy and daughter Charlotte, who were “shocked to find a weeks-old potato which had morphed to bear an uncanny resemblance to a duck.” Kevin Widdop, our guide through this turgid voyage of anthropomorphic potatoes–for lack of a better phrase–is quick to tell us that this is not the first instance “an unsuspecting person has come across an animal-shaped potato.” Well, colour me surprised.

Then there’s the case of Emily Gaffney, a student from Cardiff in South Wales, who became so attached to her potato she gave it a name: “Bill.”

Since there’s really not much to this story and Widdop, sly sharpie he is, damn well knows it, the article swiftly moves on to Zachary Clouter, who aged four “stumbled” (let’s hope he’s alright) across his very own potato duck. The story ends on a rather tragic note, with Zachary’s mother Catherine indicating that the young boy is in a paralytic state of self-denial about the fact of his own mortality. “We’ve been keeping it in the fridge to preserve it. He thinks we should plant it back in the ground and see if more ducks grow next year.” Poor kid.

Look, I can’t go on. I’m much too disheartened to continue. You get one more potato-themed news story and that’s it. So, we come to the only reputable news source thus far, the BBC, reporting on a satellite image of Earth demonstrating how gravity varies on the planet’s surface. This is fascinating subject matter and I’ll admit I didn’t quite understand some of the science behind it. Luckily, the author of the piece, Jonathan Amos, has chosen instead to focus on the physical attributes of the image of Earth, which he describes as looking “like a giant potato in space.”

Excited by his own potato discovery, he drops all references to Earth being Earth, in no uncertain terms demanding that we “look at the potato.” Alright! Sheesh! He goes on to explain that “if you were to place a ball anywhere on this potato, it would not roll because, from the ball’s perspective, there is no ‘up’ or ‘down’ on the undulating surface.”

Earth, the biggest potato of them all.

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